I've lost track of my periods a bit lately, but I had become fairly sure that I was late. All week Nick and I have been talking about 'what if...' and it was driving me crazy. You see, for a long time my head has been totally against considering another child, but in my heart I just wasn't sure. There are so many reasons why another would be a bad idea: the economic situation and Nick's lack of job security, the size of our apartment, my complete neuroticism during Emily's first year of life, my age and the risk of a defective pregnancy, the fear of giving birth in another country to name the most important. I also feel that I am gradually getting some semblance of a life back again. But, nonetheless, although I couldn't figure out how it could have happened when I thought we were being careful, I found myself becoming almost excited about the possibility that I could be (can't say the P word).
Anyway, to cut a long story short I bit the bullet and bought a testing kit today. As last time, I couldn't pluck up the courage to do it on my own, so had to wait for Nick to come home in the evening. I peed on the stick as instructed and then looked elsewhere while the chemicals developed for a minute. Also as before I made Nick look at the result first. I hadn't had any 'symptoms' but my gut feeling was that it would be positive, while he had a feeling it would be negative. The window was clear of any hint of blue, meaning that I was not expecting. I felt a palpable sense of disappointment. This led to an evening of soul-searching, but the ultimate conclusion is that I will never fully make up my mind. So where does that leave us? Nick has admitted that he would like one more, but agrees that conditions are hardly favourable. In my usual manner I will probably blow hot and cold on the issue.
All this is being noted with the aid of half a bottle of wine, so I will commit myself and hit 'publish' before I lose my Dutch courage.
1 comment:
Glad you felt you could express your uncertainty on the Blog. I can imagine it could become a huge dilemma, but at least you are both being honest about it. One thing's for sure, as many mums are slightly older nowadays, Emily would be quite normal being an only child; even more so in Japan. You will do whatever feels best, and then see what "fate" serves up. Hope you enjoyed the wine !
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